“ I don’t want this to affect my career , you heard me ?”, I screamed into the phone.
“ Why don’t we discuss this at home,” Saket tried reasoning with me.
“ Home or here doesn’t make a difference to me, Saket. I can’t go ahead with this. This is the time I’m getting noticed. My career is flourishing. I don’t want this now,” I spoke and hung up, the anger in my voice reaching a new peak.
I’d joined Modelopez as a model three years back, immediately after getting married to Saket. He had encouraged me, made me confident enough to seek modeling assignments, and that was the time Modelopez were looking for fresh faces. I got the job with them, and since then I’d been working hard to prove myself in the industry. I’d received the ‘Fresh Face of the Year’ award last year from the International Advertisers’ Club, and this had brought in many overseas assignments too. My career graph as a sought-after model was up on the X-and-Y axes, and I had started earning well.
But then, this pregnancy.
Something we hadn’t planned for now. An absolute accident.
When I missed the day on the calendar, I blamed the hormones and stress . But two weeks and an episode of severe vomiting and fainting later, I was at the Gyneac’s, panic-stricken.
She had confirmed my fears. I’d be a mother soon. Without being prepared for it.
I had just relayed it to Saket, who had sounded happy.
No, I don’t want this now. Not when the Modelling Queen’s Tiara is waiting for me. This can wait. And wait, it will have to, I thought to myself, as I took an auto home.
“Mrs Sunayana, I would suggest going ahead with the pregnancy. Unless the pregnancy is harmful for either the mother or the child, we can’t abort the fetus. That’s the law. And in your case, your baby is developing healthily enough ,“ Dr Ameya said, as she examined my scan reports a month later.
Saket looked at me , expectations writ large on his face. I had discussed my intention with him, and he’d listened to me patiently before explaining why he wanted the baby, why he thought the baby was imperative for us now. I couldn’t blame him; I empathized with him, but motherhood wasn’t for me. At least , not now. Saket hadn’t spoken to me about it after that.
But arguing with Dr Ameya was futile, I knew.
“ We’ll think about it, and get back to you, Madam,” I said, my voice absolutely devoid of conviction.
As I left the hospital, I made a mental note to start consulting another doctor who would understand me. My need. My choice. My career.
I panic when I find myself in the dark. And there’s a sudden light. She comes to me, wobbling , as if she’s walking in the air. I can see she’s hairless, and her eyes are closed. She looks tiny, but grows larger as she approaches me.
I flinch for a moment, and squint my eyes, shielding them with my hand to block the light.
She moves towards me , slowly , her fingers trying to reach me. I try to run away, but stop short at the squeaky voice that starts speaking.
“See, my eyes. I was waiting for the day I can open them and see you, Ma. My fingers, see, I had tiny nails on them. Do you see my head ? I had a small brain inside that too. I loved you Ma. I loved Pa too. My heart had started beating, Ma. I was waiting to come out, Ma. What wrong did I do ? Why didn’t you want me, Ma ? You know Ma, when the long tube came in, I thought someone was tickling me. I wriggled , Ma. Did you know ? But it was all over too soon, Ma. I just got sucked into that . Why, Ma , why did you do this to me ? I could’ve lived, Ma. I could’ve been your princess. I could’ve played pinball with Pa. You never gave me a chance, Ma. Why, why didn’t you…?"
She tries to touch me.
I scream and run, and she follows, her small fingers stretching out to reach me.
I woke up drenched in sweat, and sobbing hard. My scream had woken up Saket, and he wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed into his chest, my nails digging deep into his shoulders.
Six months later, as Dr Ameya brought me the chubby little cherub I’d given birth to a short while ago, I could feel my eyes blurring with tears.
I took her in my arms, with all the love that existed within me, and a little more.
She was in deep slumber, and as I held her close to my bosom, I could feel her breath mingle with mine.
I would have almost lost her to a foolish, thoughtless decision of mine, but for that nightmare. The timely one.
True, I needed a career. But I needed a family too. I wouldn’t rejoin work for another year, and Modelopez were ready to grant me the leave. I had earned it, and they trusted my professionalism.
I looked at her again.
“I owe you this. Sorry, darling. Sorry. Sorry for that thought of mine. I'll always be around, for you. And we'll definitely play pinball with Pa, ” I said, as I kissed her forehead.
The baby scent bound my body in intoxicating waves of joy.
As I looked at her again, her lips twitched in what I thought was the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen in my life.
And I knew, my apology had been accepted.
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Disclaimer : This is purely a work of fiction. Any similarity, with anyone living or dead, is coincidental. The opinions expressed in the story belong to only to the protagonist. Not even to the writer, that is.
